My friends, they love my intelligence
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
