Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize