You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize