These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
do herpes really smell.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
