im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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