connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
