I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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