What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
