You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
