we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
