So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
