I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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