guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
