Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
