Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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