I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
my liver is dry heaving
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
