Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize