Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
