got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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