I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
