god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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