I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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