the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
