Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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