At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize