I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
