Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
