My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
