My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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