im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize