i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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