this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
