im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
