Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
