Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
