when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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