Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
