im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
