Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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