I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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