My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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