I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
