Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Holy shit dude........stairs
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