If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
