I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
