I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
