The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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