Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
