you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
