You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
