my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize