you traded sex for a burrito?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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