Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she told me i tasted like america
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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