it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
