Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
