Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
