Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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