i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
