I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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