so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
