My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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