Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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