oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
