I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
