That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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