I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
