The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
